| DDR so far... |
[Jul. 17th, 2009|04:50 pm] |
When I started my Dance Dance Resolution at the beginning of the year, my main goal was to get out of the doldrums. And I have, absolutely, without a doubt -- it's been mostly good, verging on great some nights. The best nights have been solo ventures, when I could've easily bailed, when I was sick and wanted to do nothing but curl up into a ball on the couch and watch TV, but got dressed up and headed out the door anyway, often to a place where I knew no one, and managed to have fun and dance and even chat up a stranger or two. Those are the best nights. A close second are nights when I'm out with friends who dig what I'm doing -- you guys rock!
Yet sometimes it feels like there's not enough solution in my resolution, that I've simply exchanged one routine for another. If anything I've been much lazier socially than if I'd chosen, say, going on dinner dates as my resolution. Dancing is the only to-do on my DDR checklist and it's one of those deceptively anti-social activities, like watching movies (unless you're willing to grind with strangers on the dance floor, and I am not). Romantically, I've been clicking along in a comfortable rut. Every week I have a date with a guy I like, which I usually really look forward to but sometimes don't, yet always manage to enjoy no matter how I'm feeling beforehand. Funny, how life imitates dance :) Between that and DDR, it feels like I've relegated myself to the same weekend experiences until New Year's Eve.
Thing is, I like 'em both, and I don't relish the idea of giving up either of 'em. Although lately the consequences of dating a player have been more difficult to manage than usual -- all's fun and games until someone loses an "I", and my soul is definitely suffering. So making a change on that front isn't just about being more social. As far as DDR is concerned, maybe I need to add conversation to my checklist: I can't leave until I've at least met someone and learned his or her name, or recruited someone to the group, or posed for a picture with someone else.
Or maybe once I change one routine, the other will follow suit organically, in an interesting an unexpected way. Yes, I like that, let's give that a go. |
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| dance dance resolution |
[Jan. 27th, 2009|11:13 pm] |
I'm going to come right out and say it -- my 2008 sucked. It started sucking almost exactly one year ago, when my boyfriend and I broke up, just a few days shy of my birthday. It really sucked through the month of February, when we continued to live together as roommates and co-dog owners (sharing the same bed, no less). And it sucked even more after my third and final personal training session in mid-February, when I started to feel a strange pain in my knee that has plagued me ever since.
The summer blew. I was doing physio to try and get my knee to behave properly, eschewing my favourite social sporting activities in favour of monotonous solo strengthening exercises, all of which made me look and feel like a complete moron. I was actually happy that the weather was so miserable -- all the fun, summery outings I might've otherwise enjoyed were getting pissed on, too. I spent my summer holiday playing Scrabble in Orlando, Florida, fer chrissake.
As summer came to an end and I slowly started to regain confidence in my athletic abilities, I attempted to finish out the Ultimate season. But I quickly realized that I really wasn't up for it, neither mentally nor physically. I was in a shitty, shitty mood, and all I really wanted to do was sit at home and surf and watch TV and read. I tried to get it back up for Scrabble, but my efforts felt obviously desperate to me. What I really wanted was something big, something engrossing to fill the void. Games weren't going to cut it.
Things started to change as the year drew to a close. I met someone, or rather, I started to get to know someone better that I'd met a while ago, and found another lens with which to view my life. I was reminded of who I used to be before domestic day-to-day took hold of me and the values I used to hold dear. I slowly regained my appreciation of singlehood, and eventually my appetite for it. The void was still there -- there really is no substitute for a love relationship -- but it didn't gnaw at me as much, and I felt like I could start investing myself in other pursuits.
It started safely, with ex-sale.com, an idea I'd had for a long, long time (see previous posts) and finally found the headspace for to get online. While I was building ex-sale.com, I rediscovered another long-lost passion, one that I really couldn't indulge in when I was co-habbing or rehabbing: dancing. After dark I'd turn off all the lights, crank my iTunes-fed stereo and dance the night away. However, to paraphrase one of the great dancing queens of our time, by the time Christmas holidays rolled around I was getting tired of dancing in my apartment all by myself and I wanted to dance with somebody else. Anybody else, really, as long as they enjoyed dancing even half as much as I did.
I decided then and there that I was going to make my new year's resolution about getting out more. When I told my friend, he reminded me of the SMART principle for setting goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Reasonable and, Timely). OK, so I modified it to "every weekend, on either Friday or Saturday night, I will go out dancing at a club in Toronto." I realized I would never do it unless I made a public point of it, so I launched my Dance Dance Resolution group on Facebook and I've been out every weekend since.
I know it's still early, but I really feel like this is something I can accomplish, and that others dig the idea, too, even without the back story. Yep, my 2009 is going to ROCK! |
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| the post-breakup get-together olympics |
[Aug. 20th, 2008|11:30 am] |
I scored a 9 out of 10 for a politely negative e-mail response to my ex yesterday, earning me my first gold medal in this event. Please join me in celebrating my victory! |
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| what men want (?) |
[Aug. 15th, 2008|04:27 pm] |
I recently conducted a Facebook experiment to see how my Ads would change based on my Profile. The results were pretty predictable -- my teen boy was in desperate need of help with the ladies, and my older man needed to get rid of his love handles. Really? That's about as short-sighted as my Ads take on what women want (which I'll save for another, much longer and more complicated post, perhaps).
It was around the same time that Dmitri the Lover hit on me in a Toronto parking lot. I wish I'd known who he was at the time, as I would've loved the opportunity to actually discuss his needs and desires rather than simply react in a fight-or-flight kinda way (I fled, but not without giving him my number). As it were, I only learned about him after googling "toronto" and "hot greek stud" (which is what comes up on your call display when he calls you), figuring there's no way in hell this guy doesn't have a public profile. He does, and his misogynistic manifesto is rather frightening. I pray for the men who want what he wants.
I used to complain regularly about the seeming abundance of married men who didn't want to be married. Through a running dialogue with my boyfriend a couple of years ago, I eventually realized that it was just a perception -- of course unhappily married men are more inclined to make themselves known to women than happily married ones. Duh! Happily married men are all around, they're just less visible because they're not going up to women and asking if they want to get together sometime, just to talk. Seems like a no-brainer, but that was quite an epiphany for me. I now make an effort to notice the married men in my life who don't speak to me unless circumstances dictate they should and quietly thank them.
So what do men want, if it's not what marketers, Dmitri or the (perceived) rather large number of unhappily married men out there would have you believe? |
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| my Zen summer, part 2 |
[Jun. 19th, 2008|04:03 pm] |
I totally forgot the point of my entry, which was to remark how vastly different my approach to life has become since the injury (and the insult). I've always had a pretty take-charge attitude. If I wanted something to happen, I made it happen. If I wanted to date a guy, I dated the guy. If I wanted to travel somewhere, I did. There's very little in my life that I feel has "passed me by," and I'm grateful to my mother for instilling in me the values that have made that possible.
My last ex, on the other hand, was completely dependent on other people for his experiences. It drove me NUTS! Although he'd be the first to admit he didn't have his shit together, and was therefore reliant on those who did, still... how can anyone be happy living their whole life according to another's dictate? The thought is anathema to me.
Yet, I find myself now without the vim and vigour I've always relied on to get me up and over and back on track. A big part of that is the knee thing. My movements are so much more deliberate now. I have to think at every step whether I'm holding my leg right, whether my foot is sticking outwards. Sometimes I take stairs two feet at a time. Forget running. I'm joining a yoga class soon -- a discipline I've tried but could never really understand. Who wants to spend an hour...moving...that...slowly? Now I'm actually looking forward to it. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME??? And if you tell me I'm getting older, that's an automatic de-friending.
It's unsettling for me to allow circumstances this much control over my life. I keep telling myself it's "just one summer," but deep down I'm not so sure. Bodies at rest stay at rest. I will probably (gulp) settle into my life a bit and start taking it day by day. Yikes. |
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| my Zen summer |
[Jun. 18th, 2008|11:44 pm] |
I dislocated my kneecap in February, about half-way through week three of my new workout routine with my personal trainer (Christmas gift from the ex, to add injury to insult). You'd think a kneecap would be rather tough to knock outta whack. I guess it was, actually -- it required nearly three weeks worth of lunges and squats before it finally said "That's it! This is nonsense and I want nothing to do with it." I am now in the midst of coaxing it back into place, with gentler, less strenuous exercises. So far, so... nothing.
So I have put myself on the DL this summer. I sent a note to the captains of the two Ultimate Frisbee teams I was planning to play on this summer to let them know. I've lowered my vacation expectations for the summer, opting to play in the National Scrabble Championships instead of something more adventurous.
Good ol' reliable Scrabble. Always there for you in times of need, like a warm blanket. Funny... I'm just reminded of another ex who once "complimented" me on the sex we'd just had, saying it felt like a warm blanket. It amazes me sometimes that I still keep at it. See you at the tourney, those who are going! |
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| the new marriage |
[Apr. 18th, 2008|12:52 am] |
In order to get a marriage licence in Toronto, you need two eligible people to sign a document and pay $130. Eligibility is determined by the following:
- Age (18 years or older)
- Proper identification documents (proof of residency and citizenship)
- Completed application form signed by both parties
That's it.
Strangely enough, considering the amount of responsibility assumed by the couple in possession of this licence, none of the following criteria is considered:
- Compatibility
- Commitment
- Stability
- Purpose
- Love
I propose a graduated marriage licence system be introduced, to ensure both parties have acquired the proper skills before entering into a lifelong relationship. Similar to the graduated driver's licence program, eligible registrants as described above would be granted a Level One licence. It would be nice if, in addition to proving their ability to fill out a form, registrants could also demonstrate proficiency in problem-solving, ability to rationally discuss issues and arrive at a compromise, intimate knowledge of his or her partner, enduring love and compassion, etc. but I'm not gonna push my luck.
New partners in a Level One marriage learn to live together with six important conditions. The couple must hold a Level One licence for a minimum of 12 months before attempting the Level One test. This time can be reduced to eight months if the couple successfully completes an approved pre-marriage counselling course. Couples earn more privileges after passing their Level One test.
As a partner in a Level One marriage, you are required to:
- maintain a zero infidelity level* while living together;
- accept regular check-ups by a fully licensed marriage partner, who has at least four years Level Two experience, and an infidelity level of less than .05 per cent;
- ensure that this "mentor" is the only other person with intimate knowledge of your marriage;
- refrain from entering Ontario's "marriage danger zones" such as nightclubs, sports bars, after-work parties, etc. unless accompanied by the other partner or "mentor";
- refrain from being away from your partner between midnight and 5:00 a.m.
After passing the Level One test, a couple will be granted a Level Two licence. They must hold a Level Two licence for a minimum of 12 months before they can attempt the Level Two test. At this level, you have more privileges because of your marriage experience. You no longer need to accept check-ups by a mentor. However, you are still required to:
- maintain a zero infidelity level for the duration of the marriage.
Sorry, but I couldn't think of a parallel to the rule requiring there be no more passengers than seat belts. Maybe no more overnight houseguests than beds?
As for the tests, I'm thinking of something like a "Survivor"-type weekend, where a couple is thrown into an unexpected situation in an unfamiliar environment and tested on their ability to deal with the situation. For example, taking care of a baby, managing an in-law, coming face-to-face with a old flame. The possibilities are wide-ranging.
Then, once a couple has passed both the Level One and Level Two tests, the rest of society can feel relatively confident that they are, indeed, fit to be married.
* assuming that infidelity can be measured in the same way as blood alcohol. |
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| motherhood |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|10:12 pm] |
I started to suspect that I wouldn't get married or have kids when I was about 13. I had virtually no interest in boys, and no maternal instincts whatsoever, much to my mother's chagrin. When I was 8 or 9, she made a last ditch effort at awakening the doll-lover within and bought me a Cabbage Patch Kid for Christmas. Everyone wanted a Cabbage Patch Kid for Christmas that year, she reasoned, so despite having been told quite pointedly that I did NOT want a Cabbage Patch Kid for Christmas, she got me one anyways. When I showed no interest in carrying it around, she made me a little bunting bag for it, in the hopes that my love of bags might overcome my disdain for dolls. I did (and still do) love bags, but it didn't make hauling around an ugly fake baby any more appealing. The unloved child (Eleanor was her name, I think) sat, nestled in a lovely quilted orange-and-white sleeper with handles, on my closet shelf until a yard sale a couple of years later.
Now, 20 years later, little has changed. It's a rather discomfiting realization, especially as a woman, to know you're just not interested in having children. "Mother" is by far the most socially accepted role a woman can have. All other roles -- employee, boss, even wife -- are secondary. You can't "just" be a good one of any of those without raising suspicion. Is she barren? Is something fundamentally wrong with her? Maybe she's just selfish.
"You just haven't found the right guy," the more generous ones would tell me. I always thought in response that the "right guy" would feel just as uneasy as I did about entering into marriage and parenthood.
I did end up meeting the "right guy" -- two, in fact, in quick succession. By "right" I mean in both cases I could fathom getting married and having children with them. In fact, with the second, I was even counting on it... although with more reservation than I was probably willing to admit. When we broke up, it was with no small amount of relief that I put kids back on the "maybe" list.
Ironically, I blame my mother for this. If she hadn't spent so much time and energy raising my brother and me, it might not seem like such a daunting task. As it is, every time I see a woman pushing a stroller with one hand and steering a toddler with the other, all I see is the work. |
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| 18 months later and... |
[Mar. 3rd, 2008|09:46 pm] |
Finally figured out my old password and logged back into my LJ account after a long absence. I went to update my profile and... wow, nothing much has changed. Or rather, after 18 months I find myself pretty much where I left off, at the end of a long and frustratingly circular path.
In a nutshell: I fell in love. He moved in. We got a dog. We broke up. They moved out.
So here I am, in the same apartment I've lived in for nearly six years now, another failed relationship behind me, this time with little more to show for it than some meagre home improvements. Usually after a few months I can count on at least a few stories, some interesting experiences, adventures, broadened horizons or some other significant development to validate a failed relationship. But this, this was different. This was ALL about settling down with someone I seriously considered a life partner. That meant entering into a mundane domestic existence for the sake of building a strong relationship foundation. No drama, very little passion, an inordinate amount of intelligent conversation. And the dog -- routine walks, morning, noon and night, every day, training to pee outside, training to walk properly, to not torment the cat. It had all the sparkle of a 20-year relationship, except that we'd only been together for a year and a half.
At the end of it, I think we were both exhausted by the experience. The only difference is I'd trained for a marathon and was ready for it, and he wasn't. We're still on friendly terms -- I imagine we'll stay in touch while he and the dog adjust to their new surroundings. And then... well, why?
My new year's resolution was relationship-oriented. Instead, I'm turning my attentions to my journal and vowing to shower it with love and affection this year. All it ever asks is that I remember my password. Sounds perfect, at least for the next little while... |
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| Deal or No Deal: The Relationship Edition |
[Nov. 14th, 2006|04:06 pm] |
If you are not familiar with the game show "Deal or No Deal," first read the wikipedia definition. If you are, this is that game show but with a relationship twist.
The Premise:
How much is your relationship worth? $50? $75,000? Or are you one of those rare and lucky individuals who has in their possession a $1,000,000 relationship? "Deal or No Deal: The Relationship Edition" tests your courage and conviction as it applies to your relationship and the risks you're willing to take to find "the one."
Game Set-up:
Before playing "Deal or No Deal: The Relationship Edition" you will have to fill out a Potential Partner questionnaire that prioritizes his or her characteristics. To make it simple, let's say you have to identify 26 important characteristics of a potential partner and rank them from 1 (bare minimum... like "sense of humour") to 26 (the nicest of nice-to-haves... like "extremely wealthy"). The questionnaire model I have in my head is a series of multiple choice questions, each one asking to rank the importance of a certain characteristic. For example, Question 1 would be "How important is a sense of humour?" and the choices would range from "Very important" to "Not important at all." Once you'd answered 26 questions with "Very important," you would have to rank those important characteristics from 1 to 26. Not terribly scientific, but manageable and fairly representative, I think.
Play the Game:
Step 1: Choose a Partner
At the start of the game, you have no relationship. In front of you stand 26 Potential Partners, each of varying worths. One of them displays all 26 characteristics you've determined are important to you, while another one only displays the bare minimum, and there's one person for every iteration in between. However, it's impossible to tell on the surface who's who. They are all equally attractive to you, but it's what's inside that counts... and you will only know what's inside if you decide to get to know them better.
Before you start exploring, choose one of the 26 Potential Partners at random (I'm going to make them male for the sake of argument). Maybe you like the twinkle in his eye. Maybe he has a twitch that you find particularly endearing and you think it's a sign. You ask him to be your partner, and he agrees. Now, you have a relationship -- yay! Unfortunately, the game doesn't allow you to find out if what you have is really that great or not through experience; it only allows you to measure what you think you might have against what else is potentially out there. The question is: Will you accept the "sure thing" you have in your hands? Or will you risk it in the hopes finding something better?
Step 2: Explore your Options
In order to get an idea of what you might have, you have to find out what else is out there. Immediately, you have to get to know six other potential partners. You hope they all suck, which would mean that the chances of you having a worthy partner in your possession are pretty good. The better your chances of a worthy partner, the sweeter the offer made by Cupid. It's up to you to either keep meeting and disposing of potential partners because you believe you've found "the one," or let Cupid match you up with someone else if your confidence begins to wane.
Let's say you've revealed Potential Partners 4, 9, 13, 15, 18 and 22. That means there are still Potential Partners 1, 2 and 3 left to encounter (yikes!), but there are also 23, 24, 25 and 26 (yay!) So you could have any of these, or any of the others that are left. Cupid makes you an offer somewhere in the middle, but slightly in your favour... say, 16. Do you want to accept a partner with characteristics 1 through 16 only? Or do you want to keep looking and hope that either Cupid will eventually make you a better offer or that you, in fact, have a better candidate already in your possession?
The decision is yours...
Winning the Game
Just like in the original game show, every player ends up with a relationship. The value of the relationship, however, depends on how much risk players are willing to contend with during game play, and at what point they accept a deal. Some people end up with a lame relationship because they settle right away, or they wait too long and exhaust any other opportunities. Then again, some people end up with a great relationship through a rare combination of luck and perseverence. Then there are the many people in between who make compromises but are generally happy with what they have.
How many characteristics would your Potential Partner have to display before you were willing to stop the search? Find out when you play... "Deal or No Deal: The Relationship Edition"! |
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